Tips for Difficult Family Conversations

Tips for Difficult Family Conversations

Tips for Difficult Family Conversations

December 12, 2012 by Amy Goyer

 

In the course of caring for our aging loved ones many family members must have difficult conversations around decisions and changes — whether they be about driving, living situations, health care, financial or care and support issues. Here are some tips for approaching these conversations:

• Talk early and often. The more you’ve discussed and planned for the future, the easier it will be when it is time to make decisions.
• Do your homework first. Observe your loved one’s situation, identify areas of concern, talk with other family members, then research the options for support and care for them.
• Start by expressing your love and concern. Be clear that your thoughts and actions are motivated by your love and your desire to help them be as independent as possible for as long as possible. Be sincere; family members will see through a snow job right away. It’s not about buttering them up for the fall, it’s about honest, caring, clear communication.
• Your role is to provide support for them, not take over their lives and be a “parent” to your parents. If you communicate from this vantage point they will feel less threatened. Don’t make this a power play. Talk about ways you can support their independence, even if it means making some changes.
• Use “I” statements. Any time you start a sentence with “you” be aware of how your loved one will react. “You need to …” or “You just have to …” will put people off. Instead, try “I am concerned about …” or “I want to help you …”
• Ask them to say how they think they are doing. Don’t just dive in with your opinions, ask for theirs as well. If they say everything is fine as is, express your own concerns. Ask about specifics if it’s hard to get the conversation going, for example:
  
  • Do they ever think about the future and how to plan for a time when they may need more support?
  • Are they ever worried about taking care of the house and yard?
  • Do they ever feel unsafe, isolated or uncomfortable being alone?
  • What would they like to do more of?
  • Would a bit of help with a few things ease their stress?
• Validate their feelings. Change is hard, and the “unknown” is the biggest fear for all of us of any age. It’s normal to want to avoid change, so tell them you understand their reluctance, fears or even anger and you want to help make change easier for them. Sometimes they just need acknowledgment that this is hard stuff to deal with.
• Involve the right people in the conversation. Include trusted family members or, if needed, an objective third party to facilitate the conversation. If your parents always take your brother’s advice, be sure he’s there. If they trust their doctor, financial adviser or lawyer, then arrange for an appointment and go along.
• Try an indirect approach. As a more casual conversation starter, talk about a friend dealing with his/her parents or an article you read, or seeing a television show on the subject.
• Offer specifics and alternatives. Especially if you want them to give something up, have some resources and options lined up already so they know there will be a replacement or alternative available.

For more on the fantastic NBC Nightly News series on caregiving and the sandwich generation, watch these segments and additional exclusively online video (which you can view immediately after the segments – keep your browser open and they will start automatically) and articles:

1. Caregiver Stress
2. Critical Family Conversations
3. Multigenerational living

Follow Amy on Twitter @amygoyer and Facebook AmyGoyer1

CPA long term care insurance Seniors

See Kimberly Lankford's article on "A New Strategy of Paying for Long Term Care" via Kiplinger and http://finance.yahoo.com/news/a-new-strategy-for-paying-for-long-term-care.html

The important points:

Consider lower compound inflation increases (5% and lifetime benefit policies are very expensive or no longer economically attractive). But watch each states "Partnership" provisions to determine if you want to save benefits from Medicaid spend down.

Shared benefits (between spouses) and linked benefits (life and long term care benefits, or annuity and long term care benefits).

Calculate the estimate period and coverage to be shared. Set a budget for care (say $250,000 to $350,000) as part of your retirement planning, then determine how much you will cover and how much coverage you will share with an insurance provider (risk transfer) remembering insurance is never free.

Look at the definition of days in determining a suitable elimination period (are days defined by use days or calendar days).

Contact the American Association for Long-Term Care Insurance to find price indexes and agents, or contact Larry Beski at Legacy Brokerage 303.250.6306 for more details.

CPA DENVER Homecare vs Home Health Care ELDERLINK

HOMECARE vs HOME HEALTHCARE  ELDERLINK  http://elderlink.com/

Karen Moorehead, the President of Elderlink Home Care, Inc (303.734.0641) provided the following article describing the basic difference between Homecare vs Home Health care.  I appreciate her making the distinction in the following article:

Twenty-five  years ago, when Elderlink Home Care, Inc. first opened its Denver doors, the idea of seniors receiving care at home was still new.  Back then, when loved ones were diagnosed with illness or recovering from surgery, they were usually placed in a long-term care facility by doctors or family members.  Most people expected they would go to a nursing home or care facility if they found they were no longer able to live at home without assistance.  In-home care was new and many people were still unaware of it as an option. Elderlink was the first company in the Denver metro area created specifically to meet the non-medical homecare needs of seniors.  A lot has changed in 25 years! 

The term homecare is used to define non-medical care or custodial care, which is care that is provided by persons who are not nurses, doctors, or other licensed medical personnel; the term home health care refers to care that is provided by licensed personnel.

Study after study has shown that by far, the majority of seniors want to stay in their own homes as long as possible.  Homecare is credited with helping to reduce stress and increase life expectancy.  Living at home creates a sense of mental and physical well-being for the elderly. Through the years, many companies have come into existence to help seniors reach their goals of living at home.  

Today there are over 20,000 companies in the United States providing homecare to seniors and that number is expected to increase. Homecare can be a cost- effective alternative to nursing homes and hospitals and can help to postpone or prevent the need for other, more expensive forms of care.  Despite the graying of the population, the percentage of elderly living in nursing homes has declined, according to recent Census data. The decline reflects the improved health of seniors and more choices for care. In 2006, about 7.4% of Americans aged 75 and older lived in nursing homes, compared with 10.2% in 1990 (USA Today).   Today, home care for seniors has a new urgency, dubbed “the senior tsunami.” A wave of retiring and aging boomers will soon flood homecare providers.  By 2020, it is estimated that 12 million older Americans will need long-term care.

The number of changes people face as they age can be overwhelming. Illness, immobility, and the possibility of leaving the comfort of one’s home can contribute to depression and anxiety. When a person is ill or in recovery, nothing can match the security and comfort of home.  Homecare provides individualized assistance that is tailored to personal needs and helps maintain independence and dignity.

Access to quality homecare is vital to the health of our seniors and our community.  In metro Denver, seniors are fortunate to have many choices for their homecare needs.  One thing is for certain, the options and services available to seniors are sure to change as much in the next 25 years as they did in the previous 25 years. 

For more information on how homecare can help you or a loved one, call Karen Moorehead, President of Elderlink Home Care, Inc., 303-734-0641